


guilt

by heterocosmica



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: F/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 17:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12040512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heterocosmica/pseuds/heterocosmica
Summary: lily is jealous





	guilt

She remembers the time Marshall said he needed to kill her off to be able to fantasize about other women. She remembers it and tells herself her fantasy is mild, tame, completely forgivable (especially when compared to his). It helps her keep her guilt at bay as she closes her eyes and imagines waking up in that bed, living in that apartment, freely being enveloped by those arms (for all eternity). And it’s nothing bad, nothing sexual or dirty, just clean affection (mostly just the memories from the time her and Marshall were broken up) so she’s not actually doing anything wrong, nothing at all (she can’t help remembering, it’s not her fault).

He tells her about his crush (infatuation? love?) on Robin and she feels this incredible need to murder her best female friend. She feels even worse when he tells her about the failed attempt at a date and just about completely shitty when she prompts them into real dating, months later. She tells herself the guilt for feeling ecstatic after their breakup is needless (they were miserable, it had to happen).

She does start to feel guilty, though when the dreams of a family become dreams of perfect little babies with soft blonde hair and picnics and brunches and school functions with a strong blonde man next to her, holding her close and loving her with all his heart. She feels guilty when she dreams of a big white wedding with a guy in a suit waiting for her at the altar (not the one that actually will be waiting, not for her anyway) and the dreams make her feel content, at ease, perfect (it fits, they fit). In the dream, they live all their lives together and there’s pain and heartache but there are good moments, too and she wouldn’t change a thing. She wakes up with a memory of a honeymoon and falling asleep next to a blond head of hair. She cries when it’s just Marshall that’s next to her as her eyes open and the guilt eats at her.

She still knows that he was meant for Robin and she for Marshall. There are times she thinks it’s hurting him too but she dubs them wishful thinking and moves on. She runs when he calls, though, and meddles and helps him and Robin because, even though he’ll never be happy with her, he still deserves to be happy and that’s all she wants, in the end. And it helps ease her guilt, the fact that no one could frown upon unconditional love.


End file.
